Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was younger, I grew up in a theme park! The theme of the park was trailer.

   Hey Starbucks. If you gotta name your drinks with stupid language, don't roll your eyes when I order a gitchy gitchy yaya yaya mocha choca latte ya ya

   Worried cause I heard a beep and didn't know if it was my cell, ipod, Wii, Skype, Facebook, email, Twitter or TV but it was just my fire alarm. Phew!

   if your fiancée loses 30 lbs to get married, they’ll put 60 back on…

   It was just yesterday where it was a requirement to say grace before every meal... Now the only importance before a meal is making sure you get glamour shot for instagram.

   As I get older I spend a lot more time thinking about the hereafter. Every time I enter a room, I have to stop and say, "Now what am I here after?"

   She said, "I finally got my period." and all I heard was, "You get to keep your paychecks."

   if you have a job where you have to wear a nametag, nobody gives a sh!t what your name is.

   If you're not happy being single. You're not doing it right

   I bet guys are getting better at finding the clitoris now that pubes are extinct.

   If this aint the most ghetto-est NFL Superbowl ever.....

   doesn't know whether last night's muchness wrapped up all the partying of 2010 or kickstarted another crazy year of fun fun FUN!

   The second amendment is in place in case the government ignores all others.

   stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

   I think it's sort of mean for the closed caption on movies to say" Music playing". Wouldn't it be nicer just to not mention that?

   What are the chances that Hurricane Earl will make a little detour and head up north to wipe out the cast of Jersey Shore?

   reminding you that you need to turn your clocks back this weekend, i'm going to turn mine back to when I was 25.

   Nobody really cares if you're miserable, so you might as well be happy.

   can't get this nicorette stuff lit.

   needs to find the stuff that's making his hair turn white and direct it towards his teeth.