Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wanting the President to fail is like wanting the pilot to crash the plane we all just got on.

   Your mama's so stupid, she took a ruler to bed just to measure how long she slept.

   If you do something you'll regret in the morning, SLEEP TILL NOON!

   So... Do you like casual sex... or should I put on my tie?

   Joke of the day: Two old women were sitting in church. One leans over to her friend and said, "My butt is asleep." Her friend replied, "I know, I've heard it snore three times already."

   You stop telling lies about me, and I'll stop telling the truth about you...

   My maths teacher asked me what comes after 69? Apparently "I do" is not the correct answer,

   This weekends forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out

   “... of that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels of heaven, nor the Son, but the Father alone.” Matthew 24:36..If God has not even revealed to his own son the date the world will end, I doubt he has revealed it to Harold Camping.

   Terrorists are like salmon, life is good until the seals show up

   Just saw a girl in cutoff jean shorts so unbelievable short that you could see private parts sticking out the bottom of mine.

   I got arrested for punching this guy at a new years eve party..... when you here an arab counting down from ten your instincs kick in.

   Why is it that the very people who are against abortion, pornography, and homosexuality are the very same people you wouldn't want to have sex with in the first place?

   My condolences to Snoop and the rest of the Dogg family. RIP Nate Dogg

   Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: No idea, I'm not black.

   I don't understand why people buy Christmas trees just to throw them away a month later. Do they think Christmas trees grow on trees?

   If you can afford alcohol and cigarettes then you don't need food-stamps

   writes "like this", and not "lyk dis", because she is an adult, and because she is not stupid

   Wow!! Tension's in Korea is increasing. Rumor has it that France has already offered to surrender........

   I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him