Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I seriously doubt Dire Straits are still getting their chicks for free.

   Depression is like being told happiness is right around the corner but you live in a circle

   Sure having tight abs is awesome but you know what else is awesome? Pizza.

   I just sneezed on my phone and it made little rainbow sparkles all over the screen... I'm pretty sure that makes me a Wizard.

   The phrase “Don’t take this the wrong way.” has a zero percent success rate.

   My mission is to be the first person on Facbook to have one million people on their block list. . .

   The inventor of predictive text has died. His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

   Even though Halloween is meant to be about dressing up as scary evil monsters, people still complain if you go as Hitler

   Statistics show that married men live a lot longer than single men. However married men are a lot more willing to die.

   A recent survey of one person reveals that 100% of me thinks I should leave work early.

   What's the point of blurring out the middle finger on TV, like oh you've fooled me, what's behind that blur? Is it a monkey? A pencil?

   After watching for over fifteen minutes, I don't think that RuPaul's Drag Race has anything to do with automobiles

   There is a man eating fries with a fork and airport security is doing nothing about it.

   Still don't understand why you can't end a company-wide email with, 'Later b*tches.'

   Maybe lions don't even like antelope meat maybe they just keep eating them because we all know how annoying vegetarians can be.

   Hey ladies, you know that feeling you get when you roll over & realize you made a horrible mistake? I could give that to you every day.

   Bond. Hydrogen Bond.

   The older I get the better I used to be.

   If She Sounds Cute On The Phone, Add 20 lbs !!!

   She wanted to be friends with benefits, but I said no because she didn't offer dental.