Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Adele is pregnant. Can't wait for her next album where she writes 17 angry tracks about diaper changing and crying babies

   Even with all the many different types of social media, nothing beats ignoring idiots in person.

   The Wife just asked if she looked ok in her new pants.. She did... But I paused to long,,,,,,,,,,,,,Please send an ambulance…

   It's amazing how everyone is suddenly a political genius one month every 4 years

   Dear Dude, who's slowly walking towards me at the park bench, dragging his one leg and can't keep his balance. Please be drunk and not a zombie.

   Dudes that wear Speedos should have to wear the bikini top too.

   To predict how someone is going to treat you, look at how they treat the waiters.

   I lose a lot of arguments just so I can go back to my nap.

   I really hope I never become famous because I'm really horrible at hooking up with celebrities.

   Almost a 1000 posts, And all I got was this lousy t-shirt.. Well, It's not really a t-shirt, more of a hospital gown. And this afternoon, I get to go for a supervised walk.

   Please take your b itching about the weather to Twitter. None of us here goes outside anyway.

   Chocolate contains 'phenylethylamine'. That's the same natural chemical your brain produces when you fall in love. And you wonder why women like chocolate.

   I'm at my neighbor's house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.

   To stay competitive with Burger King and Ikea, Subway announces the new $5 Furlong...

   Whiskey and Ambien. When you absolutely, positively, have to wake up naked on your neighbors lawn holding a mailbox.

   I'd take you on a magic carpet ride, except that I shaved the carpet.

   A pinata is NOT a good idea for a Halloween costume.

   I should probably be in a relationship just for the supervision.

   Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.

   Why do British people never sound British when they sing?