Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why did they introduce women into the police force? To keep the streets clean

   I'm having a problem with sexual harassment at work. There isn't any.

   Who makes the sandwiches in a lesbian relationship? Neither, they both eat out

   Her: "Ugh! Let me tell you about m......" Me: "Is my zipper down?" Her: ".....no..." Me: "Then why is your mouth open?

   "Have fun" is just a nicer phrase for "have a horrible time without me."

   If I go on a cruise, I'm sleeping in the lifeboat area

   People who email you Spam...Email them Porn! Problem solved ;)

   Breakfast with Obama: $38,000. 4 Years Of Political Favors: Priceless.

   Say a prayer for Sparky, I just ate Taco Bell.

   there's always......."truth" behind "JK"... Emotion behind "I DONT CARE"... Pain behind "IT'S OK" & "I need you" behind "LEAVE ME ALONE"......

   febreeze- because your house smells like weed and your parents will be home any minute.

   Back before Walmart, you used to have to buy a ticket to see a bearded woman.

   Just trying to see who reads my post. Describe me using only your Facebook password....

   If you put a finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Pacman.

   I hate when I press 1 for English and still get an Indian person.

   Whenever I am faced with a challenge, I ask myself, “What would Phil Dunphy do?”

   gonna donate blood today until the lady got all personal and started asking "Who's blood is this?" and "How did you get it?"

   Jesus take the wheel.......from my grandma. That woman cannot drive!

   you know gas prices are high when they stop the NASCAR race & are waiting for the price to go down before they restart the race

   I can never take an email seriously if it is typed in Comic Sans.