Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Aquariums are a place where fish get to watch you for free but it comes at the price of never leaving

   Some guy just blindfolded me and dragged me into a warehouse. I'm still waiting for him to say it's a febreeze commercial.

   If zombies attack the world, everyone will run and hide. Except for us gamers, of course. We've been waiting for this all our lives!

   I hate going to Wal Mart. Every time I go, the cashier always checks me out...

   Im sitting on the bus minding my own business, until I pull out my Ipad...Long story short, I have 20 extra friends playing candy crush with me now!

   I thought it was corn not rain that is supposed to be knee high by the 4th of July?

   I come from a long line of impatient customers.

   "How do you think you would like it if the tables were turned?"...... ~interior decorators

   JAB: M-80's Don't care about your fingers and bottle rockets don't care about your eyes, stay accident free everyone and have a safe Forth Of July. . .

   Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

   Ever notice that 5000 chanting people is an "unruly mob" when you disagree with them, but "patriotic supporters" if you do agree with them?

   It is supposed to snow on the 4th of July but it will be in the form of rain.

   The way these kids are growing up now a days.. I'm scared for the future of society.. We're all going to Hell in a Handbag!

   Wishing my American friends a safe and happy Independence Day, and a gentle reminder that they were almost Canadians had Canada decided to raze their Whitehouse instead of turning back to Canada for beer. :)

   Just saw a guy at the gym wipe his ass sweat with a towel then gives it to his friend, which wipes his whole face. I think that's true love.

   Drinking a fifth on the fourth

   that Lorena Bobbitt swinging that knife around in the new Taco Bell commercial??

   thank goodness tim joined us. Haven't seen these jokes in days...

   Sometimes I go out and dig a hole in the back yard in the middle of the night just to freak out the neighbors.

   When you are a kid, it makes you proud when someone says "Wow! You’ve gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.