Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm starting to think I'll never be old enough to know better.

   I hate when people come to MY house, knock on MY door, and then give me the "why aren't you wearing pants" look.

   Justin Bieber vomited on stage in the middle of a performance. That concludes it then... she's pregnant.

   My wife and I have the cutest nicknames for each other. She is my buttercup and i'm her useless sack of s hit.

   Wanna see new features on your TV that you never knew existed? Let a baby play with the remote for about 12 seconds.

   I Just saw a tumbleweed roll past my last post

   only two people with the combined IQ of a salad bar would name a kid NorthWest

   I wonder if dog’s had facebook, would they put our picture as their profile picture.

   I don't know what's longer: a microwave minute or a treadmill minute...

   I always take a number at the deli, and I've been keeping them.... Eventually I'll have all the numbers and it will always be my turn

   I've never met a group of people more worried about their "privacy" than the people on Facebook that share EVERYTHING about themselves.

   Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send.

   Next years Superbowl has been changed to Motel 6. They'll leave the lights on.

   call-in sick every morning to somewhere you don't work

   I don't care how old you are, the only safe way to guarantee the monster under the bed doesn't grab you is to use the run and jump method.

   I really have no idea what a Kardashian is but,,,, From what I can gather, it's an exercise bike for basketball players.

   When setting the table, does the remote control go to the left, to the right or over the dinner plate?

   I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend until the acid wears off and I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a Walmart parking lot.

   This woman at Walmart has a lovely set of March Madness teeth.. She's down to the final 4.

   Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.