Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Now that I've maxed out my 401k for the year, I'll get a tattoo, said no one ever.

   If you are so sensitive that I can't joke around without risking offending you and I have to watch every word I say, in case you might misinterpret it, then we can't be friends.

   4 years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times

   If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, will Brian Williams still claim he chopped it down?

   THE GENIUS OF DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME - Your child is Now standing at the bus stop in the dark, and goes to bed while it's still light outside.

   Looks like Andrew Jackson's been tossed to the back of the bus.

   When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.

   Last night I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, but then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards

   I guess it's time to face the reality that I just do not want to rock and roll all night. Nor do I wish to party eva-ree day.

   Cougar sightings in my neighborhood over the past couple days... I'm going to lay out a trap in my yard with Journey's 'Greatest Hits' and a nice cabernet.

   Sometimes when I tag someone in a pic I whisper "you're it."

   I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it's never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.

   Called AA by mistake. Those drunks can't change a tire for sh*t.

   Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.

   It’s so nice outside, I should probably close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen.

   Just watched an entire TV show without being on my phone just like they did on the Mayflower.

   The Middle East and Kim Kardashian's a$$ have a lot in common. Both are massive, have tons of oil, and have been invaded by the West.

   Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.

   My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don't run into anyone you know

   It's so cute how you can throw balls right at kids faces in the Chuck E Cheese ball pit and they think you're just playing.