Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My beard itches, Web MD: Beard cancer

   A MILF is a sexy ass mum over 35. If you're 18, you're just an idiot with a baby.

   Ten seconds of drug commercials are spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest is spent basically daring you to take it.

   Be advised Ladies: Once I show you my Knight Rider lunchbox from 1985, foreplay has officially begun.

   Airplanes have now banned tweezers. I think anyone who can hijack a plane with tweezers deserves the plane.

   We're all in the same game, just different levels. Dealing with the same hell, just different devils.

   This really ugly girl asked me earlier... if I thought she was attractive. I didnt want to be mean and I also didnt want to lie. So I thought for a second and told her I thought she was "Wal-Mart Sexy".

   Have you ever had a conversation with someone and thought about how much better it would be if they had a personality...

   when a cop pulls you over and he tells you to get off the phone..DO NOT SAY: I gotta go honey, your husband is being a jerk. Seriously don't. ;)

   Teenagers. They have been annoying me all summer long. Now they're back in school. So today on my lunch hour I drove circles around the high school laughing through a loud speaker.

   Whenever I see small children on leashes, I'm always tempted to run up, scratch their bellies, and ask “How old in human years?”

   For a lion to be a cannibal, he must first, swallow his pride.

   I only hate the people in front of me while checking out at the store. Everyone behind me is cool.

   If I blocked you on Facebook, what makes you think I want to talk to you in real life?

   When I'm bored, nobody texts me, but when I'm busy, my phone blows up.

   Party at Camp Crystal Lake tonight!! Woop* Happy Friday the 13th!!

   Three things I cannot do: (1) pass up a piece of cake, (2) say "rural" and (3) open a can of biscuits without yelling when it pops.

   The only time I've ever had a chip on my shoulder was when I tried to dump the entire bag into my mouth at once.

   The only appropriate time to yell out "I HAVE DIARRHEA!", is when you're playing scrabble. Because it's worth a whole load of points.

   Its funny how sitting "boy girl boy girl" use to be a punishment...