Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wives & girlfriends are temporary but ex-wives & ex-girlfriends last forever.

   If a girl will play video games with you while she is naked, you should marry her.

   Today, I was rejected by a girl when she told me she is not ready to date. We met on a dating website

   "Do you know where the nearest payphone is located?" Um... 1998?

   I'm sorry I jumped on you, from a distance you looked like a conclusion.

   I always chase joggers with my car to motivate them. It's a thankless job....

   No thanks CVS, I don’t need a bag. I’ll just wrap up my purchase in the 12 foot receipt you just gave me.

   You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you alot and think of you often.

   mourning the passing of Saturday & Sunday. *pours out a bit of coffee* "I enjoyed the times we had. You'll be sorely missed." *Glances at Monday.* *Monday stares back.* "Awkward."

   I'm pretty sure that just before I get to Walmart some mental institution drops off its patients to go shopping

   It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

   It's safe to assume more pubes are shaved on February 13th than any other day of the year.

   Dusting off the old VHS sex tape my wife and I made. We watch it every Valentines and cry.

   Whoever said "you can't fold a piece of paper in half 8 times" has clearly never seen me wipe my a$$ with the last sheet of toilet paper.

   I choose butter over margarine because I trust cows more than I trust chemists.

   Don't get me wrong, I respect the Amish. What I really wonder is what invention a long time ago caused an entire group of people to go "No! No more technology for us."

   Kim Kardashian requests her privacy during this time. Just her, an E! camera crew & 30 black dudes dragging their sacks across her face.

   Instead of laughing my ass off, I'm going to start laughing my stomach off. I'd rather lose that.

   Knock, knock. Honey, have you finished taking pictures of yourself for facebook? Daddy needs to take a sh!t.

   A huge ass spider crawled across my bed and now I can't sleep because the firefighters are here putting out the mattress flames.