Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Word to the wise - make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an a$$hole.

   Glad to hear we've all been picked up for another season.

   I have been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions

   If you see me drinking coffee from a to-go cup in public after 3 pm, that coffee is booze in disguise.

   How did they measure hail before golf balls were invented?

   According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.

   When the past calls, let it go to voicemail. It has nothing new to say..

   I am.... 'My 1st car had an ashtray'... years old.

   The best thing about online classes is the beer.

   Break-ups aren't always meant for make-ups, sometimes they're meant for wake-ups.

   If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear.

   Nice try fat families with stick figure people on the back of their van

   MTV has 'My Super Sweet 16' and 'When I Was 17.' What's next? 'Officer, I swear I thought she was 18?!'

   I saw the most intelligent piece of graffiti ever today.I was dropping a batch in a public toilet when I saw something written in very small writing at the bottom of the door. As I leaned over to see it closer it read..."You are now s***ting at a 45°

   How do you know if someone has an iPhone? They tell you.

   If he was stupid enough to walk away, be smart enough to let him go

   What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.

   If I ever reach a point where the best part of waking up is foldgers in my cup....... I'm not sure I wana wake up

   - So what if I can't spell armaggedon?..... It's not the end of the world. .....

   thinks BEER is the answer. I have no idea what the hell the question was.