Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not drunk, all right. I just have a speech impediment ... and a stomach virus ... and an inner ear infection.

   If you want to find a needle in a haystack, burn the haystack.

   Thank you: 'hard taco shells', for surviving the factory, delivery trucks, and small food stores and then breaking at the moment I put something inside you.

   Nipples: Nature's thermometer.

   Dear Face Book you keep offering up people for me to friend, but then you get all  concerned and ask me how I know them.  You can't be the pimp and the cop!

   Google+ is quickly becoming the "gym membership" of social networking: We all join, but nobody actually uses it.

   Just heard a weird noise from the other room, but refuse to call out “Is anyone there?” I've seen the movies...those people always die!

   Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in

   The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.

   Why do actors think we care who the they are going to vote for. Make movies and shut up!

   My favorite mythical creature is the Honest Politician

   Whenever my children question my knowledge on any subject, I just remind them that their mother is older than the Internet.

   Apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind a guy on a stationary bike and pretend you're angrily chasing him.

   So there are teenagers out there that have unprotected sex, but yet have cases on their phones. Just let that sink in for a minute....

   Now that a billonaire in Mexico is going to buy out Hostess the twinkie will come in 3 flavors. Hot, Medium and mild.

   The first thing I do when someone introduces themselves to me is forget what their name is.

   why am I always behind the one person on earth that's never seen a McDonalds menu???

   shouldn't there have been ONE scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel's mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man's shed?"

   Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.

   The person in front of me at Starbucks included a specific temperature in her coffee order. Where is a drone strike when you need one?