Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon You can almost pass a lie detector test if you answer every question with "go fish."
←Rate | 10-01-2011 13:07 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  


   messageicon i dont have trust issues, I just know people who have lying issues
←Rate | 10-04-2011 22:07 by natemorales Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I had a penny for every time I thought of you.... I'd have a penny.
←Rate | 10-05-2011 14:06 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The only thing left for me to do is to walk on water, and even at that some people would snicker and say, 'What, you can't swim?"
←Rate | 07-11-2011 03:56 by Mick F Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'd probably get a lot more done if it wasn't for me.
←Rate | 07-12-2011 15:02 by geez Comments (0)  


   messageicon Organized people are just too lazy to look for things!
←Rate | 07-21-2011 08:49 by Mark Comments (0)  


   messageicon it takes me five minutes to get dressed and fifty-five minutes looking for my other shoe....
←Rate | 11-05-2010 00:29 Comments (0)  


   messageicon someday I'll sit down with my grandchildren to watch "Airplane" and they'll say, "I can't believe they used to just let people get on planes"
←Rate | 11-18-2010 18:10 by mickeybruce Comments (0)  


   messageicon expecting life to treat you fairly because you're a good person is like expecting the bull not to charge at you because you're a vegetarian.
←Rate | 11-25-2010 14:14 by Chris Comments (0)  


   messageicon There are only two people I trust in this world... One is myself, and the other one is NOT you.
←Rate | 11-30-2010 07:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Who among us has not proclaimed into the whir of a fan, "Luke. I am your father."
←Rate | 12-14-2010 13:10 by Sara Comments (0)  


   messageicon getting his eraser ready for two weeks of me putting 2010 on all my papers.
←Rate | 01-01-2011 18:13 Comments (21)  


   messageicon just had a near death experience and other peoples' lives flashed before my eyes…I have GOT to stop being so f@#king nosey…
←Rate | 01-20-2011 10:42 by M.A.C. Comments (0)  


   messageicon Fool people into thinking you have a social life by going offline for a few hours.
←Rate | 01-23-2011 09:14 by lemonpillow Comments (1)  


   messageicon If you say the word "douche" fast and repetitively, it will sound like the beat of a techno song that some douche would definitely love.
←Rate | 09-08-2010 15:19 by jdpower Comments (0)  


   messageicon Nothing's more chaotic than when the Task Manager freezes too.
←Rate | 09-18-2010 20:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I was escorted out of the funeral before I was done high fiving everyone.
←Rate | 10-06-2010 12:09 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon nothing better than waking up to multiple "like"s on ur facebook status
←Rate | 10-07-2010 10:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The squirrels must be gathering nuts. Three of my neighbors have disappeared.
←Rate | 10-12-2010 11:30 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon I knew I was drunk. I felt sophisticated and couldn't pronounce it.
←Rate | 01-17-2010 21:36 Comments (0)  




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