Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can almost pass a lie detector test if you answer every question with "go fish."

   i dont have trust issues, I just know people who have lying issues

   If I had a penny for every time I thought of you.... I'd have a penny.

   The only thing left for me to do is to walk on water, and even at that some people would snicker and say, 'What, you can't swim?"

   I'd probably get a lot more done if it wasn't for me.

   Organized people are just too lazy to look for things!

   it takes me five minutes to get dressed and fifty-five minutes looking for my other shoe....

   someday I'll sit down with my grandchildren to watch "Airplane" and they'll say, "I can't believe they used to just let people get on planes"

   expecting life to treat you fairly because you're a good person is like expecting the bull not to charge at you because you're a vegetarian.

   There are only two people I trust in this world... One is myself, and the other one is NOT you.

   Who among us has not proclaimed into the whir of a fan, "Luke. I am your father."

   getting his eraser ready for two weeks of me putting 2010 on all my papers.

   just had a near death experience and other peoples' lives flashed before my eyes…I have GOT to stop being so f@#king nosey…

   Fool people into thinking you have a social life by going offline for a few hours.

   If you say the word "douche" fast and repetitively, it will sound like the beat of a techno song that some douche would definitely love.

   Nothing's more chaotic than when the Task Manager freezes too.

   I was escorted out of the funeral before I was done high fiving everyone.

   nothing better than waking up to multiple "like"s on ur facebook status

   The squirrels must be gathering nuts. Three of my neighbors have disappeared.

   I knew I was drunk. I felt sophisticated and couldn't pronounce it.