Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 309 of 6385
I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.
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11-19-2013 18:55 by JMc
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One of the worst jobs in the world has to be a fruit stand vendor in an action movie..
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06-30-2015 11:54
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Know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved when first dating? After 20 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
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10-04-2015 11:20
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Guess I better get some sleep. I have to get up in 10 minutes.
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06-17-2012 14:38 by Aaron
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I don't always drive the speed limit. But when I do, there's drugs in my car.
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07-07-2012 12:21 by HiYourJon
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I invented four new karate moves while trying to get an automatic paper towel dispenser to work
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01-01-2012 04:50 by flinnie
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Don't worry; it's only kinky the first time.
Since Wikipedia is in blackout today, in protest of online anti-piracy laws, can anyone tell me where the G-Spot is?
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01-18-2012 12:36 by Czovczov
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It cost 7 million dollars to build the Titanic and 200 million to make a film about it....That's Hollywood
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04-20-2012 22:05 by Danmanz
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The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water. The beauty of the workplace is that water bottles are allowed.
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05-01-2012 11:12
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Yesterday my wife caught me checking out our hot new neighbor and all she had to say to me was, “It doesn't matter where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home".
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02-08-2012 07:22 by Czovczov
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I'm so terrible at Chess. The only way I'll ever get to say "Checkmate" is if I eat at a restaurant in Australia.
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02-09-2012 10:11 by Czovczov
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"Have fun" is just a nicer phrase for "have a horrible time without me."
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02-28-2012 23:30 by @DonSicks
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There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
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11-17-2011 22:36 by g0re
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Facebook's timeline is my favorite way to watch girls from high school get fat.
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12-20-2011 20:22 by BEGO
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Graduation speech: I would like to thank Wikipedia, and copy/paste. - I'm out bitc$es
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04-10-2012 21:09 by BEGO
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When I say "It's a long story," it doesn't mean it's actually a long story. It means I just don't want to tell you.
You know as soon as my ''Swear Jar'' gets full, I'm going to use the money to get a Fking Puppy!!!
It may appear like I'm doing nothing, but i'm actively waiting for my problems to go away!!!
Oh I'm sorry, I forgot I only exist when you need something!