Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   An optimist is the dude who yells out "Wet t-shirt contest!" during the sinking of the Titanic.

   My wife said to go out and buy something that makes her look hot & sexy for Valentine's Day! So I got drunk...

   Don't make fun of a fat man with a lisp. He is probably thick and tired of it

   Let's leave Florida out of it next time. They've got enough on their plate, no need to burden them with national concerns.

   Girls become instant best friends when they find out they hate the same people

   You can tell its getting warmer out. The first mullets of spring have appeared.

   Ending sentences with prepositions is not something I have a problem with.

   I feel sorry for men who don't know how to value women. One look at a woman and I KNOW how much she will cost me.

   If you're nice to an animal, it loves you for life. If you're nice to a woman, who the hell knows what's gonna happen.

   Besides being curled up on the bathroom floor convinced I was dying from liver failure for a few hours, last night was fun.

   Just invented a cell phone cover that looks like a pay check. Now all the yolo dudes can look responsible when they take a profile pic in their duckface baby-mama's bathroom mirror.

   Hey douchebag. Women like men with an accent, not an Axe scent

   FYI:There are only two ingredients in trail mix. . . M&M's,,, and disappointment

   Hell hath no fury like a woman mad for no particular reason...

   I want a woman who can cook, clean, do the laundry, pay the bills & still set aside the time to have sex with me while her husbands at work

   Sobriety and I have agreed to see other people today.

   women have a long,endless list for man to please them,while men have only a list with two wishes for their women: Naked and bring beer

   Dear gigantic flock of birds chirping loudly in the parking lot sh*ting all over my car, There's still more north left... Go annoy Canada...

   going to wear 3D glasses today and shout EVERYTHING LOOKS SO REAL!

   I propose we plug the Gulf oil leak with BP executives.