Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I gave my wife a gluestick instead of chapstick last weekend and she's still not talking to me.

   All I've ever really wanted is a nice little home inside a volcano on an island shaped like a skull. And some nuclear warheads.

   Ladies,, if you've ever accidentally called a fax machine,,,, you know exactly what listening to your stories sounds like to men.

   I feel old whenever someone tells me they were born in the 90's.

   Dear fb now that we are all use to timeline don't you think you should change the format again..?

   Apparently "get naked" is not the correct response for "anything else I can do for you today?" from the hot male store clerk...Also: I need bail.

   A path with no obstacles, probably doesn't lead anywhere

   We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the internet, we know this is not true.

   If by “metrosexual,” you mean “secret homo” then yes, that's a great way to describe yourself.

   "Before you leave the American Idol stage please sing a song and remind everyone why they didn't vote for you."

   The best part of life is when your family becomes your friends, and your friends become your family.

   Wife came home from shopping, I asked her why she had to spend over £100 on makeup. She replied "It's so I can look pretty, why do you have to waste so much money on beer". I told her it was to make her look pretty. Had to sleep on the sofa that night.

   A girl who wants nothing deserves everything...A girl who wants everything deserves nothing

   washing my car, the birds need a clean place to use the bathroom.

   I really hope cell phones aren't bad for us, but I would like the excuse: 'I can't talk right now. You're giving me cancer.'

   wonders if rappers know that Ben Franklin was never president of the USA.

   Ha.....and the neighbors think THEY can be loud???? They haven't been formally introduced to me and Jack Daniels yet.

   The Only Gracious Way To Accept An Insult Is To Ignore It. If You Can't Ignore It, Top It. If You Can't Top It, Laugh At It. If You Can't Laugh At It, It's Probably Deserved. ;)

   Whenever someone says "Oh you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Do you watch porn?"

   My career as a Walmart greeter was cut short when the manager noticed me singing "Welcome to the Jungle" to every customer