Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Its too damn early. Even the voices in my head are still snoring.

   At night, I secretly delete people on your page while you are asleep that might be potential flirters. You call it insecurity, but I call it job security…you're welcome!

   Having a wireless mouse makes it way too tempting to throw it across the room when my computer gives me trouble."

   I can't even imagine what people did at red lights before cellphones.

   at my age it's not my cereal, but my body that goes SNAP, CRACKLE and POP!

   the next time someone says "I don't know whether to laugh or cry"... kick 'em in the shins really hard so they'll know for sure.

   It's better to have loved and lost than to live with a psycho the rest of your life.

   Facebook keeps showing me my ex "people you may know" Yes, FB, "People I wish I didn't know" quit taunting me on Vday!

   Since wishing for more wishes isn't allowed, why not wish for more magic lamps?

   Why do people lie and cheat? Because they know its easier to get foregiveness than permission.

   Those who do not understand me fear me. Those who do understand me fear for themselves...lol

   I sometimes feel alone and insignificant, especially when people turn out the lights while I'm still in the bathroom

   I would not be comfortable with online dating. My wife and I met the old fashioned way: Through CB radio.

   I don't think the economy has turned around so much as it has backed over us and parked.

   The most best things in life can't be seen or touched....at least that's what the restraining order says.

   thinks whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never been to a nude beach!!

   I saw a leprechaun once. After enough green beers you begin to see all kinds of things.

   A good man is hard to find, or is it the other way around, a hard man is good to find?

   The Macho Man is going to be the coolest and most badass Zombie.

   INSTALLING the RAPTURE... ███████████████░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░ 45% DONE. Install delayed....please wait. Installation failed. Please try again. 404 error: RAPTURE not found.