Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's better to have loved and lost than to live with a psycho the rest of your life.

   Facebook keeps showing me my ex "people you may know" Yes, FB, "People I wish I didn't know" quit taunting me on Vday!

   Since wishing for more wishes isn't allowed, why not wish for more magic lamps?

   Why do people lie and cheat? Because they know its easier to get foregiveness than permission.

   Those who do not understand me fear me. Those who do understand me fear for themselves...lol

   I sometimes feel alone and insignificant, especially when people turn out the lights while I'm still in the bathroom

   I would not be comfortable with online dating. My wife and I met the old fashioned way: Through CB radio.

   I don't think the economy has turned around so much as it has backed over us and parked.

   A great relationship is based on two main principles. First, appreciate your similarities and second, respect your differences.

   should've known it wasn't going to work out between me and my ex. I'm a Leo and he's an A$$hole.

   If you truly understand me, you'll let me be annoying.

   There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else's house.

   4yr old: when I grow up I want to be like daddy.... Wife: You can't do both honey

   Some of us are truly living and others are just struggling not to die.

   My head hurts, I think my horns are coming in...

   My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.

   You completed your online degree with a 3.5 and no one will hire you? Shocking...

   There's no way that scientists can prove to me that pterodactyls didn't pronounce the p

   I wonder if the spouses of umpires get thrown out of the house for arguing.

   It's weird how you can listen to a song, and it brings you back to a time and place you want to forget. Yet you miss it at the same time.