Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What has 75 balls and screws little old ladies? Bingo

   Yes Google/Gmail, I know already! Enough with the reduced privacy policy reminders. You want to make it easier for the government to track us. Yeah yeah I get it!!

   a new report found that Facebook greatly reduces people's attention thingys whatever

   facebook needs to add "still bangin my ex" as a relationship status option

   If you ask me to take my shoes off when I enter your house, I will go above & beyond & strip full naked because I'm a terrific guest.

   This whole "Cup half empty, Cup half full" argument should state what is IN the cup before people start judging!!

   My shower only has two options: 3rd degree burns or skinny dipping in Antarctica.

   A drunk man speaks what a sober man thinks.

   My ex assured me that size never matter, but all of her dild@s look like they needed a lamp shade on top.

   I'm not really marriage material... since I still have hopes and dreams.

   It seems women are not content with just being women these days. First there was Beyonce with “If I was a boy” now there is this Bieber chick with “If I was your boyfriend”

   I think I speak for everyone when I say we hate being spoken for.

   Unless you're going to tell me there's a sniper target on me, it's okay, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say.

   I received a string of blank texts from an unknown number. When I asked who it was, I got a list of every place I've been over the last three days. I'm scared to leave the house.

   Three weeks into 2012. Now don't some of you feel silly for actually believing things were going to get better simply because we pinned a new calendar on the wall?

   When will companies understand their packaging is being opened by human beings not robots?

   Whoa whoa whoa. Stand down, nipples. It's just a little chilly weather, nothing to get excited about.

   The best things about celebrating the holiday with family as you get older is the kids table now contains alcohol.

   4yr old: when I grow up I want to be like daddy.... Wife: You can't do both honey

   Some of us are truly living and others are just struggling not to die.