Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Those Valentine's Day displays at the entrance of every store are like surprise parties for your loneliness.

   Guy gets wife roses. She says "I guess this means you want me on my back w my legs in the air?" He says, "Why, we don't have a Vase?

   What's with all the relationship post?! This ain't Dr.Phil! Be Funny..or Be out!

   Headline: Aussie coast fears rogue shark may have killed 3 people. - Rogue shark? Ok, who's house are you swimming in? That's his domain. Perhaps more accurately the head line should be, Rogue swimmers caught by shark and eaten.

   Alex, I'll take WTF for a $1000

   I have a six figure salary. Unfortunately, all six figures are to the right of the decimal point.

   My iPhone just auto-corrected "I will be home shortly" to "I wish I was single"

   I hope daylight savings time hasn't thrown you off your schedule of doing nothing

   Wanna lose weight? Try the grapefruit diet. Eat something...follow with half a grapefruit. Eat something else...half a grapefruit. So far today I've had 94 grapefruits.

   After months of uninterrupted analysis, I am now prepared to conclude that, indeed, my laundry is not going to fold itself

   Oh, you were hurt in the past huh? Well, 1) we are all hurt at some point, 2) get over it and 3) I'm not the one that hurt you so don't treat me like I am.

   Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money

   Man is the only living being who cuts trees, makes paper, and writes “SAVE TREES” on it.

   When the alcohol goes in, the truth comes out.

   In my day a mouse pad was a place rodents lived, a cursor was someone you avoided, and if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy you sure never told anyone.

   you know you have been drinking to much when a cop get's behind your car and you ask yourself if you had been drinking today!

   Lazy Rules #1:The farther away the remote is, the more you like what's already on TV.

   Folks, there's zero % chance a candidate will pay off your student loans if elected. They're just pandering for all those votes...

   I dreamed I had sex with my ex last night. I swear she ruins everything.

   Doing a self breast exam. All I'm getting is a hard nipple. So I'm good right?