Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you fall and break both of your legs, don't come running to me.

   Now that we know you girls were talking about a purse, how about now you tell us where do you REALLY like it..

   Hey mylife, I can promise you, 28 people are NOT searching for me! Quit lying!

   When I'm dead, these Facebook status updates will be worth twice as much.

   thinks it's time for us to let the Statue of Liberty hold up that torch with her other arm for awhile.

   I love sleep so much that its the first thing I think about when I wake up....

   I predict that if, by 21 December 2012, the world doesn't end, there will be a huge baby boom in September 2013.

   Why don't refrigerators have a milk dispenser next to the water in the door? You could just hold your cereal bowl under it and push the button.

   Dear IRS…I would like an itemized receipt showing me exactly how every one of my tax dollars is being spent. Thanks.

   I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn’t do anything except send me notices that there’s a new version of itself.

   As soon as you get in a relationship, everyone wanna send you that 'I miss you' text.

   Be careful when you're watching a movie with your wife. You're gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.

   Ladies: If he’s right handed, and you find the mouse to the left of the computer monitor, there is only one explanation. Sorry Guys.

   What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ''K'' instead of ''OK''?

   Dogs are perfect napkins because they just think you're petting them.

   People say circumcision doesn’t hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn’t walk for nearly a year.

   I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, boy that must have been really painful

   Not sure about the footballs, but Katy Perry's chest appears properly inflated.

   Seriously, how many times do I have to watch Kirstie Alley try to lose weight?

   Black lives matter only when killed by a white. Those killed by other blacks don't seem to matter as much.