Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Adulthood is like the vet, and we're all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realized where we're going.

   If ANY of my posts have made even one person's day better,, then there's something seriously wrong with that person

   Ever look around the room at your family and think to yourself "it's amazing I turned out as good as I did." Then realize you said it aloud?

   I choose butter over margarine because I trust cows more than I trust chemists.

   Coworker just said "I need a thick black one." She was talking about a marker but I'm still reporting her to HR for sexual harassment.

   It's not my farting that bothers my wife, it's me yelling "Release the Kraken!!" right before I do it.

   Let's face it ladies, if men walked around with b0ners you'd stare at them too.

   Lean Cuisine: Because I like a snack before my real lunch.

   In the end, girls really just want one thing from guys, all of our hoodies.

   Prank: Get car chalk and write "Just Married" on every car in a Walmart parking lot.

   I like being single. I'm always there when I need me.

   Mirrors don't talk, but lucky for you they don't laugh either

   Why get married and make one woman miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?

   if Osama Bin Laden played Call of Duty, he would be the best camper.

   Ok Facebook since you're so damn nosey, What's on YOUR mind?

   Two years ago I married a virgin. And if that doesnt change soon,im divorcing her.

   "Women are made to be loved, not understood." - Oscar Wilde

   MySpace is the VHS of the internet.

   Just once I would like the pilot to say "Hey gang, who here wants to just keep flying and see where we end up?"

   at what age do you tell your highway that it's adopted?