Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you love somebody... Let them go. If they come back, no one wanted them

   A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.

   10 year old girls are crying because they broke up with their boyfriend. When I was 10 I cried because I missed the morning cartoons.

   No one has higher hopes than a newly divorced man in his 40's selecting his first bottle of Axe body spray

   Thinking of opening a bar right next to a gym and call it ''Decisions, Decisions''.

   Do you know why Californians love Thanksgiving Day?...It's the only time of year they get to see natural breast!

   If anyone happens to catch me singing in my car, my immediate reaction is to stare at them back unblinking and still singing, until it is equally awkward for both of us.

   My relationship is definitely gaining ground. The judge reduced the restraining order from 400 to 100 feet.

   I hate that I have to delete your number to keep myself from texting you.

   Only true friends go straight to your fridge when they go to your house.

   Last week a German satellite fell from the sky, but fortunately they warned everyone ahead of time so France would not surrender.

   Allow me to explain marriage to you non-married people: You know how some people have friends with benefits? It's the complete opposite of that.

   Best part of living alone...clothing optional

   Auto correct can go straight to He'll.

   My missus said "get some of those tablets that help you get an erection", should have seen her face when I tossed her the slimming pills!

   SWAG=Secret Way Of Acting Gay.

   My car runs on gas.. Not friendship. So pay the f*ck up.

   I want to pick up a hitchhiker before I die. Not like right before I die, but you know.

   If someone doesn't stand up to let you pass them in movie theater seats, it's totally cool and legal to fart in their face as you walk by.

   That cougar on the cover of Time magazine is taking' it a bit too far.