Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

   I'd much rather have a sex tape released to the public than a tape of me trying to run in flip-flops.

   waiting for the boring weekly "hating mondays" statuses...btw, I'm gathering mondays to throw at you!

   How come a “drunk” girl on my facebook is able to enter her username and password correctly but when it comes to writing a status she types “90]]]]]]]]]POSPASFD@#”

   Relationships are like glass...sometimes its better 2 leave them broken rather than hurting yourself trying 2 put them back together!

   earns a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

   BBC NEWS: Government plans to ban all Internet porn. On an unrelated note, does anyone want to buy a laptop?

   Can someone please tell mew when tv becomes "new" again? Everything claims "all new" but all I see is the same old garbage.

   I can't stand those interfering people who bang on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn"? Damn firemen.

   realized that a dog is truly a mans best friend. Locked the dog and the wife in the car boot for 1hour. Guess who was happy to see me and who wasn't??

   If blow jobs were this popular 25 years ago. I might not be here today

   To bad you can't photoshop your UGLY personality...

   Sometimes, you wonder what the hell the music video has to do with the song.

   thinks that just once I'd like to see a realistic tampon commercial, an actress sobbing herself to sleep with a half-chewed Snickers in her mouth.

   Don't tell other people your problems. 90% of people don't care, and the other 10% are glad you have them.

   just released a new drink which contains Viagra instead of caffine called.... Mount -n-do

   I don't know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.

   One man's Facebook crush is probably another man's nagging wife or girlfriend.

   Math problem: If you have 3 cats and you buy another 2 cats, how long before you die alone?

   Why do people walk by and say "Hi, how are you?" but they don't stop long enough for you to reply!