Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My goal for today is to not post anything stupid on Facebook and to learn how to boil water.

   Valentine's Day is for lovers. Or for people like us who will celebrate anything as long as there's chocolate involved.

   If you asked me to guess what perfume the lady next to me is wearing, I think I'd have to say every one she owns.

   Its funny, not once as a kid did I watch The Muppets and noticed the strings.

   There is no greater revenge then one who dig's their own grave

   I like you.You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

   I wish instead of aiming to please, I could just start shooting to kill. I think it would make me feel better.

   i would like to thank you people for letting me know its friday every week its thoughts like this that keep me on facebook.

   Whats the point of making a movie based on a book? Whenever the movie is mentioned, someone has always has to respond with, "The book was better"!!!

   Every terrorist, "OK, OK EVERYBODY CALM DOWN, WHO HERE HAS SEEN WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S??"

   I like my coffee the way I like my bed... made by someone else.

   I'm not a proctologist...but I know an A**HOLE when I see one

   Notice in a Library: " While reading the kamasutra , please hold the book with both Hands."

   Wow The ones u'd take a bullet for are the ones holding the trigger!!

   never regret anything because at one point it was exactly what you wanted

   filling my blow up doll with helium so she plays hard to get

   thinks it's hilarious how infomercials and product commercials make simple tasks such as draining pasta or cleaning toilets seem like life-threatening obstacles.

   The number one lie in the whole world is...i swear I will love you forever..

   It's especially dangerous to run with scissors when someone nearby is running with rock.

   I wonder who's forehead would win in a head-butting contest between Tyra Banks and Rihanna?