Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   purchased his own Taser off the internet yesterday. In a totally unconnected incident, I've got to buy a cat to replace the neighbour's one this afternoon (and it must be identical looking)........

   You know when you finish an extremely hot shower, throw open the door and cold air hits you full force? I'd like that in a Gatorade flavor.

   I would love to start working out, but I'm beefing up for my "before" picture.

   People who use the phrase, "I won't mention any names, but they know who they are," probably don't get punched often enough.

   Similar to Willy Wonka putting 5 golden tickets into bars of chocolate, Lays have started a new competition where they have placed 5 chips into their bags of air.

   it just dawned on me that the Amish people are seriously laughing at us....and our gas prices!

   My Internet was down yesterday. I think my neighbor forgot to pay the bill. They are so fu*kin irresponsible

   How is it possible that one of Michael Jackson's doctors is on trial... and it's not his plastic surgeon?

   I patiently wait, after posting a humorous status message on facebook, for the first "Debbie Downer" to come along who completely doesn't get it, then posts a comment which totally destroys the joke

   There are 7 billion people in this world, don't let one ruin your day.

   I think facebook needs an "I've seen this before, but I still like it" button....

   If your boyfriend gets you flowers and chocolate for Valentine's Day, it's because he was saving money to get his real girlfriend jewelry.

   Due to the holiday this status is closed. Will reopen tomorrow at 8am. Sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused.

   Everyone is a Freak, it just takes the right person to bring out that side of you.

   The media loves controlling this country. They promote NOT to drink & drive/text & drive but yet every third commercial its either about a car, a phone, or a alcoholic drink...and a little bit of insurance ads down your throat.

   I bet a turtle's last thought before getting run over is always, "I got this."

   The longer I sit in a drive-thru, the more pennies I'm gonna pay with.

   I don't wanna brag but that was the most perfectly executed 16 point turn of my life.

   California is so broke, that earthquakes are moving now to the DC areas.....

   I miss the metal slides that would give you 3rd degree burns on a hot summers day...Goodtimes!!