Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   anything is pocket sized if your ass is big enough

   It's okay to laugh during sex, just don't point.

   I'm not an alcoholic. I'm a soberphobic.

   If you don't think anyone loves you or cares about you, gimme me a call...I'll confirm that for you.

   A guy in a Smart car just flipped me off, which is about as adorably menacing as being cursed at by Teddy Ruxpin

   Hey Sun-chips way to go,, making a Bio-degradable bag that's so friggin loud my neighbors can hear my junk food addiction,,

   Why won't the machines just take over already? I'm tired of doing stuff.

   Edward Scissorhand's death was probably from running.

   What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? Patient.

   Dick Clark has passed, we cant ring in the new year, well played mayans, well played

   My ex is living proof as to how stupid I can be.

   Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest natural resources which must be preserved at all costs.

   BESTFRIEND: the one you can get mad at only for a short period because you have important stuff to tell them. 

   You guys make Facebook worth it! Just kidding, we are all wasting our lives here.

   Dealing with backstabbers, there was one thing I learned. They're only powerful when you got your back turned.

   just enjoying a nice hot bath with candles and a glass of wine and then the neighbors came home. I have never seen them so mad.

   Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.

   If you think 7 years of bad luck are to much for breaking a mirror.. Try breaking a condom

   The worst thing about renting movie from a Red Box is that a $1 late fee isn't enough motivation to get off the couch.

   Mayor Bloomberg is going to outlaw large sodas. Good to know that New York City is officially out of legitimate problems to deal with.