Funny Status Messages
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The good thing about Facebook is if someone gets on your nerves enough, you can make them cease to exist in your world and you don't even have to hide a body. 
I went to Walmart in my pajamas and came out married to my cousin.
My car is so old the high beam switch is on the floor...
A Rod's attorney just accused MLB of causing an unsafe playing environment. He might be right since the playoffs present A Rod with a choking hazard.
Actions speak louder than passive aggressive Facebook statuses
To the Maverick detective - Jim Rockford, RIP James Garner
The best thing about being single is sleeping around. You can sleep all over that lonely bed of yours. Left, right, middle, whatever.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it's a website to find love. So I was close.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.
"Nothing is impossible." I disagree. I'm doing nothing right now... it's totally possible.
My girlfriend said she needed some time alone to herself, so I set her up a Myspace account.
A beautiful girl is a beautiful girl, but a beautiful girl with a brain & smarts is a weapon of mass destruction...
FB lesson number #1. If you don't want people to in your business, stop posting it on your status.
You'd think the crescent roll's packages would have a warning like: May blow your hand off if opened correctly.
I don't trust anyone who chooses a side salad over french fries.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I'm flattered.
What kind of impatient psychopath leaves 1 second on a microwave.
Just wrote my rent check in hieroglyphics, that should delay things for a while.
Oh, so it's ok for Superman to wear his underpants on the outside but not me? Sometimes I don't even know why I bother showing up to court anymore. 