Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Saying someone has a dry sense of humor implies the existence of wet senses of humor.

   You picture a lot more hair when you hear "Hair" as opposed to hearing "Hairs".

   Canadian bacon is just ham that's apologizing for not being bacon.

   Being a procrastinator with OCD means that I do nothing over and over and over again.

   I think those status updates that's say copy and paste this status so I'll know who's reading my status are stupid. Copy and paste this status if you agree.

   The people in 1920 probably thought in 2020 we would have our own space ships and robots... but no. So far we've come up with two-sided tape and rubber bands shaped like animals.

   People that cheat on their taxes disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 28 dependents in...

   From what I've been told by inside sources, Pete had the most votes in Iowa, but Bernie Sanders keeps insisting that they be distributed equally.

   Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it

   I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.

   What did the yoga instructor say when asked if she was ever going to leave? --- Nahmaste

   Everyone talking about Pelosi ripping up Trump's speech, but we've all done questionable things when we were that drunk...

   My favourite machine at the gym is the television.

   I don't like it when Godzilla fights the other monsters. I'd rather see them settle their differences on the dance floor.

   Pringles chips tubes need to be more like push pops we have the technology

   I know I’m getting old when playing the stock market is more fun than playing a video game

   Worked on our taxes last night. We are getting $867 thousand dollars from federal and we owe the state $966 thousand dollars. Anyone have the number to H&R Block??

   Whenever my boss calls me into her office my entire Facebook career flashes before my eyes.

   My new pet peeve...commercials where people brush their teeth without making a mess. When my kids brush their teeth they look like they have minty fresh rabies.

   Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.