Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just saved a bunch of money on Christmas by switching to single

   The most effective way to torture young people is to make them watch old people use a computer.

   I saw some black kids spraypainting their names on a wall and decided to join in. I'd only done the first three letters of my name when they started beating the sh*t out of me. They obviously don't like people called Nigel.

   I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you... the more you have the longer you live...

   KY should just go ahead and make lip gloss already.

   Why is it that when a bird flies into a window, everyone feels bad for the bird, but when I walk into a sliding glass door, it's suddenly f*cking hilarious?

   A guy hears his wife's voice from the kitchen, "What would you like for dinner my love? chicken, beef or lamb?" He said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken." she yells back, "You're having soup you jerk! I was talking to the cat!"

   Facebook account for sale, Friends included

   I just used the self checkout in Walmart without needing assistance and they made me district manager

   I bet the passengers on the missing Malaysian airplane are racking up some serious reward miles, given all of the different directions they've been flying.

   Why do all you women brag about multi-tasking. You need to chill out. There is nothing cool about doing 3 things wrong at once

   Not to brag, but I can still fit into my highschool girlfriend.

   Dr. Huxtable was an OB/GYN with an office in his home basement. I mean, come on...

   I don't argue with people who I can remove from my life by pressing a button.

   Wasn't able to sell our kitchen table on Craigslist, but we did get invited to 3 orgies and a donkey show

   I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says "Haha good one!" and we laugh and laugh and take a nap

   In Dec, cops should take off the blue lights and make them green. It's more festive... Like getting pulled over by Santa.

   If you're going to have a posse, make sure they're clean shaven. Nobody likes a hairy posse.

   To all the waiters out there: we don't get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.

   Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.