Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Freedom is never free...Happy Veterans Day!!!!

   I accidentally hit a deer! Okay it wasn't a deer, it was a Smart car with fake antlers on it... and it wasn't an accident.

   My arm fell asleep again. Time to draw a mustache on it.

   If you're upset about seeing a middle finger on TV, you're going to sh!t yourself when you see everything else going on in the world.

   It's getting harder and harder to tell the zombies from the regular people.

   It must be really hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest because I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.

   It's impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.

   Listen, I'm sorry... That reaction was WAY over the line.... I actually have no problem with the horse you rode in on....

   Ahhhhh.coffee...I think coffee must contain an ingredient that makes you tolerate BS. That's probably why employers usually give it away for free all day :)

   I'm no genius, but I am smart enough to know that there is no ''x'' in the words ''especially'', ''espresso'', or ''ask''.

   People are more opposed to fur than leather because it's easier to harass old ladies and supermodels than argue with motorcycle gangs.

   CRAP.... look who's online..LOG OUT LOG OUT LOG OUT....."Hey whats up?..s***!!

   I think Dora the explorer is on drugs! She never seems to know where to go next and spends all day talking to a map, a backpack and a monkey.

   I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them

   The Chileans take hide and seek way too seriously

   With all these birds falling out the sky, I won't be eating Chinese anytime soon....

   I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and I. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a b!tch.

   The world would be a better place if people would just take my citizen arrests a little more seriously

   In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.

   Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, I'm kicking your ass!