Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When someone tells your their birthday, you immediately add 3 months to see when their parents screwed. Everyone does that, right?

   smoking a blunt with Justin Bieber.....

   you can't call a show Golden Globes and then show a bunch of skinny girls!!

   Tig Olbitties would make a good stripper name!!

   Cemeteries: Saving me on buying flowers since High School.

   When is a good time to mention St Patrick wasn't Irish, he was the son of slave-owning Roman nobility born in England and his color wasn't green, it was blue? Not today then?

   Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10............................... It's actually pretty elementary meth

   I bet it's confusing for gays with walk-in closets. You're in, you're out, you're in, you're out.

   Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X She's never coming back and don't ask Y

   Hey,,,If you watch that last episode of Cops backwards, they uncuff my Dad, let him drive off recklessly, chase him, then give up..

   Teacher: Get out a sheet of paper. Student: LOOK AT ME NOW! Teacher: Excuse me? Student: I'm GETTIN' PAPERRRR!

   I've been constipated for 3 days now. I'm half expecting a ransom note from arse demanding money for the safe release of my next poo.

   I just found human hairs in my McDonald's burger. When did they start using natural ingredients?

   Hurricane Issac heading for GOP Convention maybe they "has ways to try to shut that whole thing down."

   If April showers bring Mayflowers, what do Mayflowers bring? Genocide.

   How do you know when you're with a gentleman? At the end of the date he asks, "May I inquire as to the possibilities which center around my being able to accompany you into your humble abode, whereby you gratuitously allow me to stick it in

   just got a citation for illegally parking my pen*s in a friend zone

   It's my birthday on St Patrick's Day and I'm gonna be drunk all weekend! LET'S GET READY TO STUMMMMBLLLLE!

   Come to think of it The Eiffel Tower is the Empire State Building after taxes.

   Give a man A fish, and you'll feed him for a day,,, Give a man a Jellyfish, and you can pee on him...