Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thanksgiving is that one special day where an innocent man on Death Row gets to turn on the TV and watch the President pardon a Turkey. 454 retweets 986 likes

   What you never hear if you live in Santa Clarita.."I'll be back in a few minutes"

   Good Morning Good afternoon and good evening ....in other words its all good

   If someone will fund it, I'll go to the rainforest and just lick stuff until I find a cool new drug.

   *Oprah gets up to do Harvard's commencement speech*... And you get a diploma and you get a diploma and you get a diploma and you get a diploma

   Question of the day: If somebody threw a rock and knocked you off your donkey would be considered stoned of your a$$?

   Even though Kanye West DID NOT compare himself to Nelson Mandela, would it really surprise anyone if he actually had?

   MTV has canceled teen mom 3, because they know when to pull out.

   I’m a social vegan. I avoid meet.

   I hate it when people call me sexist. Some of my closest friends belong in the kitchen.

   It is becoming clear to me that the North beat the South in the Civil War by shooting fake snow at them out of cannons.

   Sorry I put Vaseline on your windshield wipers.

   *cooking omelette for wife..... Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”...Wife: “Sure baby”... * Slowly turns up Nickleback cd...

   ..Why do some women wear panties with flowers on them?....."IN loving memories of all the faces that have been buried here..."

   I'm so Facebook i'm sick of seeing all these stupid I'm so posts.

   All the water "wasted" in the Ice Bucket Challenges would not be enough to help Third World countries. It's just a drop in the ocean.

   IS and the Ice Bucket Challenge must be stopped at all cost.

   Crap, only missed the Powerball by 6 numbers.

   My Friends Told Me To Get A Life,Instead I Got A Wife And Now I Miss My Life.........

   I see by your Facebook bio that you're into crafts, blogging, windmills, cats, food, earwax, wine, jazz, God, gaming. ME TOO!