Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m pretty sure my dogs only sit in the window and watch me leave so they know when it is safe to sit on the couch.

   If you think husbands aren't good listeners, whisper "Come here, I'm naked" from anywhere in the house and see what happens.

   People are worried about global warming and social security when the real crisis is that we aren't far from eldery drivers knowing how to text.

   How come MOM'S and dad's only get one day and Sharks get a whole week??

   I didn't watch the Letterman finale because I've missed the last 17 season and didn't think I'd understand what was going on.

   Screw it, just add another blade." -Gillette marketing concepts.

   It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey, but I've turned myself around.

   When I was a kid, I was told "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." For the first seven years of my life everyone thought I was a deaf-mute.

   A hot woman telling me about her boyfriend is like setting money on fire in front of a homeless person.

   The real reason I'm not a superhero.... Pockets,I need my pockets.

   Be the best you can be, while being the worst that you're able to get away with.

   No one is being forced to read my posts, unfriend me or I'll block you at the slightest hint of dissatisfaction. I'm helpful like that

   At least once a year, we should all be allowed to go to Microsoft headquarters and reboot all of their PCs without giving them notice.

   I don't get "drunk" during the holidays I get "festive".

   It's sexy when a woman wears nothing but a long shirt to bed, it's sexier when she doesn't see you watching from the tree outside her window

   Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.

   be careful what you post online because future employers might see it and want to hang out with you because you’re so cool

   When I was a kid... No wait. I still do that.

   I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

   There’s no excuse for laziness.. but if you find one, let me know.