Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The real St. Valentine was beaten, stoned and then beheaded...now that would make one hell of a Hallmark card...

   If 9 out of 10 doctors recommend it, what the hell is the tenth doctor recommending?

   How the hell does an "aspiring rapper" have a Maserati???

   I hate when I'm singing and people join in. B*tch, this aint glee.

   The hardest thing you can hit people with is the truth.

   You say you don't need to drink to have fun. All I'm hearing is designated driver.

   Practicing my "Eye Rolling" cause you know... tomorrow's Monday.

   What's with these people on facebook who never particpate on your page at all, yet act all weird when you decline attending their $tupid event?

   Well, it's almost time to show up late for something else.

   I'm always on my ''Best'' Behaviour...It just so happens my Best Behaviour isn't very good!!

   To the additional pot that was on the stove after I thought I was done washing the dishes, I hate your stinkin' guts.

   Instead of 3 debates, the presidential candidates should be on Jeopardy, Are you smarter than a 3rd grader, and American Gladiators to determine who gets my vote.

   I party like a rockstar. A very poor rockstar who isn't in a band any more.

   Today everyone will update about who they chose for president, then tomorrow it will be back to what they chose for lunch.

   Santa put me in charge of the naughty list this year. So if you have been naughty inbox me so we can talk about your punishment and gift.

   So, you're telling me my credit score should have three digits?

   After 30 years of shopping, my wife still has nothing to wear.

   I'm surprised the Pope didn't tweet from an Android, considering humanity and God's experience with apples.

   Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation leans on the doorbell.

   "Haven't had to use my brakes in a few minutes. Better make sure they still work real quick." - everyone in front of you on the highway.