Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The biggest lie on Facebook: 'status offline'

   The correct answer to "How are you?" is "Fine." If you ever stray from that dialogue, please know that nobody gives a sh!t.

   "I'm open-minded" usually translates into, "My fetish is pretty intense, how weird can yours be?"

   The world judges me by the decisions I make… but it never see the options I had to choose from

   Hypochondriacs with OCD make the best house keepers.

   How come there are never any restrooms in my dreams!

   10 should be the limit of how many times you can go on Maury looking for your baby daddy... just sayin'

   A concussion? A broken hand? There has to be a PETA member somewhere with a Mike Vick voodoo doll

   Bus drivers inwardly laugh at you when they drop you off in the rain.

   My ex-wife says that she will dance on my grave. I've now arranged to be buried at sea

   Charlie Sheen interview tonight on 20/20...I'm going to get drunk and watch it, it'll make more sense that way.

   “Come on, dude. Grow a pear.” - farmer to a barren tree

   Kanye West 'hospitalised in Los Angeles'. Our thoughts and prayers go out at this difficult time to the hospital staff.

   Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they're either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.

   If I post something that you don’t like, just ignore it like you ignore the corruption of the government.

   The ONLY reason I haven't unfriended you yet is because you have huge boobs and I have a feeling that I would miss seeing them.

   When someone says "everything happens for a reason" I'd like to smack them and say "yeah, I guess you're right"

   A co-worker has stopped acknowledging me in the hallway. Please tell me what I did to make you want to ignore me, so I can do it to others.

   I stay up late every night and realize it was a bad idea every morning.

   We have a lot of children living on our street, so I try to caution speeders by bouncing an old tricycle off their windshield.