Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mr. Dentist you can b*tch at me all day to start flossing, but the truth is I'm more likely to watch Jersey Shore than I am to floss. I'd rather have a pincone shoved up my a$$ than watch jersey shore. So unless you've got a pinecone, stop wasting my time

   When you don't have love, it is like there's a party going on and everybody was invited except for you ... and you just happen to walk by that house in the rain ...

   AHHHH-CHOO!!!........٩(-̮̮̃•̃)۶....If you are allergic to bullcrap, drama queens, head games, liars, two-faced fake people, keep this sneeze going.....

   Why is Lou Dobbs hiring illegal aliens when Toni Braxton needs the work?

   "Heat Wave Grips East Coast"; "Oil Spill in the Gulf of Mexico Continues"; Across the US Mainland, Fracking (drilling for natural gas) Causes Burning Tap Water and Causes Major Health Problems".........hmm, I'll take the "higher cost of living" in HAWAII

   We have women in the military, but we don't put them in the front lines. We don't know if they can fight or if they can kill. I think they can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look f

   RE-INSTALLING SUMMER ... ███████████████░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░ 60% DONE

   hroughout the shutdown if you need someone to ignore your basic needs while taking a sizable percentage of your earnings, I’m here for you.

   My kisses are wet no matter which lips I use.

   Wiki leaks: kraby patty secret formula

   Wow!!!,,,, this ice cream scoop really brings out your eyes.

   Colts..."Who's got big ball's, We got big ball's, we got the biggest balls of them all!!!!

   Talk about keeping up with the Kardashians, Bruce is growing breasts. . .

   German feminine hygiene products are called Hercrotchastinkin.

   Some girls are like blunts.... Hit it a couple times, then pass it to your buddy.

   No thanks, bodybuilder chicks with clits that look like a baby's pen*s

   Finally Bert and Ernie can quit living in sin!!! #onelove

   Went to the gym this morning and was amazed by this one chicks extreme workout . She must of done at least 5- 6 reps of selfies .

   Just watch. My nickname for babies, "vag-turds", is really gonna catch fire in 2015.

   In Canada they have 18 hour traffic jams at 4 way stops,,, cause everyone is being polite and insisting the other driver goes first