Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't you hate people who throws their own son under the bus?

   Apply NRA Logic To Anything: My best friend's cat would have been alive if he'd been able to defend himself against quantum mechanics.

   Filled the tank up with petrol today. Now all the fish are dead.

   I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath. Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

   I would rather bleed to death than give up a fight!

   "Wow, this place is so clean! I could literally eat off the floor!" - my dog at every place she's ever been.

   They don't have an airport. Apparently you have to be driven there

   Would like to rename "obese" to "Dyslexic Anorexia"

   suffering from the Hawaiian Disease....Laka Nooki

   has got a damaged glass front door . Hey don't knock it

   Over the weekend, Dallas gave Michael Vick the key to the city. What's next for Vick -- an award from PETA?

   Darn it! Everytime I google "Google applications" I get a link to google search engine. I'm trying to get a job at Google but finding at application to fill out is impossible!!

   With all the money Charlie Sheen makes, he should just buy CBS & rename it CharlieSheenBS! I'd watch everyday!!

   as long as charlie sheen thinks he's winning, why can't can we just let him win?

   I found out it was really hot outside by actually venturing out there. WTF Facebook? You are suppossed to tell me these things first.

   I think you are funny. My girlfriend thinks you are hot, all of a sudden you not so funny anymore

   Lesson of the day: only the parent of a gassy infant can truly appreciate the beauty in the sound of a fart.

   Its funny how some people treat their relationship like a brand, complete with a pitch, advertising campaign and an audience.

   If you seriously get jealous of them having friends of the opposite sex on Facebook, then your a$$ deserves to be dumped.

   An American blue collar boy's simple pleasure: AM country classics!