Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   suffering from the Hawaiian Disease....Laka Nooki

   has got a damaged glass front door . Hey don't knock it

   Over the weekend, Dallas gave Michael Vick the key to the city. What's next for Vick -- an award from PETA?

   Darn it! Everytime I google "Google applications" I get a link to google search engine. I'm trying to get a job at Google but finding at application to fill out is impossible!!

   With all the money Charlie Sheen makes, he should just buy CBS & rename it CharlieSheenBS! I'd watch everyday!!

   as long as charlie sheen thinks he's winning, why can't can we just let him win?

   I found out it was really hot outside by actually venturing out there. WTF Facebook? You are suppossed to tell me these things first.

   I think you are funny. My girlfriend thinks you are hot, all of a sudden you not so funny anymore

   Lesson of the day: only the parent of a gassy infant can truly appreciate the beauty in the sound of a fart.

   Its funny how some people treat their relationship like a brand, complete with a pitch, advertising campaign and an audience.

   If you seriously get jealous of them having friends of the opposite sex on Facebook, then your a$$ deserves to be dumped.

   An American blue collar boy's simple pleasure: AM country classics!

   In the 80s and 90s we had Government Cheese. What is next Salami?

   Do emo kids not get enough Happy Meals as a kid?

   pandora just gave me a Hanson song and it wasn't even Mmmbop...Shamful!!!

   Me and my 2 friends can satisfy any women...Yup me and my good friend VISA and M/C...

   I saw 2 people lost in front of the Garmin Store

   someone accused me of being patronizing! that means I treat people like their stupid.

   Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise...

   I always watch the credits at the end of a movie just to see if there's a chance I got drunk and stumbled onto the set.