Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i love you like a fat kid loves cake, but right now the fat kid is on a diet

   suffers occasional delusions of adequacy.

   If you want me to walk a mile in your shoes, you're going to have to buy the Dr. Scholls inner soles, ointments and powders

   Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

   I guess I will call this little 9 song playlist "The Night I Got Drunk and Decided World Music was Awesome"

   My ex-wife never cleaned anything but my bank account.

   We are exactly one year away from the release of Star Wars VII. #isthatightsaberinyourpocket

   I was born inteligent but facebook ruined me..

   Does anyone shoop anymore?

   Triskaidekaphobia = Fear of Triscuits

   Its safe to visit my FB page friends. That smell is now gone.

   Me, to wife: "I don't need a shopping list, I can remember." * Returns from grocery store with portrait of Abe Vigoda and a yak. *

   No guy named Larry was ever a baby. They actually walk out of their mothers womb with receding hairlines in sandals with socks

   Don't grow up... It's a trap, It's a trap. (read in Admiral Ackbar voice)

   Why does FB show me people I "may" know, LAWD these are ugly people, stop it!

   "Do you know why I pulled you over?" "No, officer." The cop removes his shades and looks to the horizon with teary eyes. "Neither do I."

   Ohh man! They shut down the Grand Canyon! Where is all that water gonna go now?!?

   The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.

   Be the change you wish the homeless people didn't know you had

   Silence is the most intolerable of answers.