Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   says if someone questions your motives for doing something, throw them off by saying "I did it to protect you"

   Do I consider the cup half empty or half full? Depends on whether I'm emptying it or filling it.

   List of things I've accomplished today: 1. Accomplishments List

   Shark Week is over, but I'm not taking down my decorations

   Cell phones ruined pushing people in the pool.

   If I had a year to live, I would spend it with my ex... because it would be the longest year of my life.

   Yes, that's correct!.....And the Horse you rode in on!!

   Yea, I end a Facebook conversation by hitting the (LIKE) button on the last comment.

   If your house is hit by a dolphin, don't go outside to see if the dolphin is alright, that's how the hurricane tricks you to come outside.

   I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow but I'm going to be too busy sitting on mine.

   I don't have a pet,, so I adopted this spider, but the stupid thing won't even chase the laser pen,,, It's got 8 eyes so I *know* he sees it.

   Lord Almighty, Adele...REALLY ?,, Just burn his house down & get on with your life already.

   I'm so gangsta that I change the channels holding the remote sideways.

   I like to lift my feet up so the person in the stall next to me thinks it's a ghost that has diarrhea.

   Dracula + Tinkerbell = Edward Cullen. He is not a VAMPIRE. He doesn't feed on PEOPLE, he lives in the forest, and he sparkles. He is CLEARLY a Fairy.

   Today, I learned if you dream you're having a piss, you most likely are having a piss.

   Wanna know who your real friends are? Disable your facebook page a week before your birthday and see who calls you on your birthday. WARNING!! May cause depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. Use this technique at you own RISK!!!!

   The only Spanish phrase you need to learn is, "I know you guys are talkin sh*t about me."

   The guy who invented "Take Your Child To Work Day" probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.

   I washed the car with my son today. Worst.sponge.EVER.