Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   UHHHHHHHH!!!.....UHHHHHHHH!!!!.....UHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!....UHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Oh, sorry; just playing tennis with myself.

   money is not the root of all evil. The LOVE OF MONEY is the root of all evil. Big difference.

   The ABC's to a good marriage: Air conditioning, Beer, Could you shut up for a damn minute so I can enjoy my air conditioning & beer?!!

   "A car with a spoiler is approaching." - Spoiler Alert

   Every time I see the car commercial with the family singing Crazy Train, I wonder if Ozzy Osbourne thinks to himself, "Azsedgbhnmiolp!"

   Hates it when he gets to his exit on the freeway. It's such a turn off.

   Brutally honest: The two reasons I would like a girlfriend are 1) consistant sex and 2) not having to find a date to functions such at weddings, couples nights, New Years Eve, etc...

   If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, "keep away from children."

   Whenever you feel a warm breeze brush against you, that's the kiss I blew to you.

   I hate going to a restaurant and my girlfriend orders food and ends up picking out of my plate.

   attention: Helen Waite is now in charge of my schedule. if you need me to do anything just go to Helen Waite.

   ate broccoli twice yesterday and now his car smells like a mobile crematorium that only cooks buttholes.

   I'm going to be the first person to walk on the sun... I know what ur thinking an I've got it all figured out... I'm going at night.

   I found a pillbug. He curled into a ball. That's how he rolls.

   We should sentence Casey Anthony to 4 years of watching Tyler Perry movies.

   My friend accused me of gossiping. I took offense because I've heard from several sources that she is the one that gossips.

   Girls: Going into detail about your period is about as attractive as a guy trying to detail the smell of his brother's scrotum.

   guess what I found under the Christmas tree??? Floor tiles!

   A Real Man Shows His Love To His Woman Daily. He Needs No Special Occasions, Holidays Or Her Birthday, He Just Spontaneously Does Things

   I think Miley killed Chucky Cheese and wore him to the VMA's