Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Calories: Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little tighter each

   I paid a doctor to give me a colonoscopy. If I did that to a dog, they'd throw me in prison.

   I just bought my daughter an iPad, my son an iPod, myself an iPhone...and the wife an iRon. She wasn't impressed even after I explained it can be integrated with the iWash, iCook and iClean network. This sadly triggered the iNag service, which in turn wip

   In your bed: it's 6:00, you close your eyes for 5 minutes, it's 7:45. At school: it's 1:30, you close your eyes for 5 minutes, it's 1:31.

   Just tried to park my car like Ace Ventura and now me and several other people are on our way to the nearest hospital.

   Don't judge a kindle download by it's jpeg cover page

   If you pay peanuts you get monkeys

   if I ever get down on one knee and propose to a girl and she says "No" I'm coming back up with a uppercut like Street Fighter!...."haaaadduuikkickkkk!"

   That 2010 UK study claimed the G-Spot doesn't exist but it merely proved a bunch of British scientists couldn't find it.

   Welcome to FaceSpace

   Dear Santa, I promise to be good next year… ;)

   You know you took a good picture of someone when they use it as their default pic or timeline cover.

   My local Walmart has 28 checkout aisles except for when it's really busy then it only has 2 

   it really too much to ask to have just one animal (dont care what kind) start speaking english to me out of nowhere

   Every picture of you, is of you when you were younger !

   my New Years Resolution is to be less laz

   According to the Mayans, the world is supposed to end in the year 2012. Are you buying that? When's the last time you even ran into a Mayan?

   Quick- does anyone know where I can get one of those undercover cop cars? This is important.

   I look around when talking to someone because lets face it direct eye contact is weird sometimes!

   I wonder how many times Paula Deen's 1st husband plotted to kill her in her sleep, only to be foiled by his own laughter at her sleep farts.