Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   New 1 minute porno to be made, going to be called Done in 60 seconds!

   Rush Limbaugh says CBS hiring Stephen Colbert is an "assault on traditional American values," like drug use, gluttony, sexism and lying.

   "Can't go wrong with oolong"... is my favorite tea shirt.

   The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of beer. This means the average human gets 41 miles per gallon. Not Bad.

   what base is it when your wife feels the bed shaking and says if you're going to jerk off do it on the couch?

   My ex-girlfriend gave me a sweetest day card. Ok, it was a restraining order but it's the thought that counts

   Men, women don't want to hear your opinion. They want to hear their opinion.....in a deeper voice.

   so,I went to vote tonight...when I went to up to the machine, They said,"if you like your votes,you can keep your votes".....but,when I went to put my ballot in,it suddenly spit out a message that said "your votes are substandard,and are being cancelled.B

   If she treats you like an option, leave her like a choice.

   Warning. This property is protected 4 nights a week by a guy with a 12 gauge shotgun. You guess the nights.

   surprise drug test day

   Calories: Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little tighter each

   I paid a doctor to give me a colonoscopy. If I did that to a dog, they'd throw me in prison.

   I just bought my daughter an iPad, my son an iPod, myself an iPhone...and the wife an iRon. She wasn't impressed even after I explained it can be integrated with the iWash, iCook and iClean network. This sadly triggered the iNag service, which in turn wip

   In your bed: it's 6:00, you close your eyes for 5 minutes, it's 7:45. At school: it's 1:30, you close your eyes for 5 minutes, it's 1:31.

   Just tried to park my car like Ace Ventura and now me and several other people are on our way to the nearest hospital.

   Don't judge a kindle download by it's jpeg cover page

   If you pay peanuts you get monkeys

   if I ever get down on one knee and propose to a girl and she says "No" I'm coming back up with a uppercut like Street Fighter!...."haaaadduuikkickkkk!"

   That 2010 UK study claimed the G-Spot doesn't exist but it merely proved a bunch of British scientists couldn't find it.