Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Behind every beautiful girl is the ugly relationship that made her scared to love again

   Are you single? No I am Album.

   There is no such thing as 'American English'. There is English and there are mistakes.

   Oral in the morning.... because your breath smells like ass anyway.

   When I squirt on you, consider yourself baptized in my love

   First Paul Walker now Nelson Mandela please let the third person be Lil Wayne

   I broke up with my cross eyed boyfriend he was seeing 2 people at once

   Everyone's all, 'OMG! Snow!', and I'm just over here like, 'Hey, tonight Obama is going to officially announce that he's going to overtly rule by decree.'

   Ever notice your Christmas stocking has just enough room for chocolates and a bottle of wine. Coincidence? I don't think soooo.

   It's easy to call it TrumpDontCare - so let's go with it.

   If you "have to meet with the NRA to discuss whether people on the terrorist watch list should be able to buy guns", then that's a case of the tail wagging the dog and you are showing you are owned by the gun lobby.

   The best thing about an ultrasound photo is you can tag any guy you've had sex with in it and he'll think you're pregnant & that's his baby.

   You dadburn dumb city folk, ye ain't spose to git' all nervous like when yee hear banjers....... It's when ye don'ts hear 'em is when weez a slipp'in up on ye..... Yeeeea doggy!

   I told my wife "you're like a drug to me." "Aww because you're addicted to me?" she said. "No because you're ruining my life" I replied

   I'm in a band, you've probably seen our posters. We're called missing cat.

   I wasn't that drunk" "Dude, you logged into Myspace."

   I heard you're a player. Nice to meet you, I'm the coach

   I never know the proper handshake to give a black guy wearing a suit

   I only trust people that like big butts, they cannot lie...

   Marilyn Monroe was blessed with the gift of being the most ferocious slut of her generation, remember lasdies...don't waste that special gift!