Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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I caught myself updating my Facebook status in my sleep & I think I actually would've posted it if the rumble strips on the highway didn't wake me up first. 
Do ducks play "me, me, goose"?
I hope the trend of businesses placing hand sanitizers everywhere soon extends to ATMs.Imagine what germs the slobs who use my ATM are carrying,considering they can't even bother to either take their receipts or throw them in a garbage can 6 inches away
Its hot as hades outside, some people call it hell, I call it hades..ummmmhhhhhh
Classified Ad: Looking for a new Stadium and a new Quarterback.
The Co-op ran of out of milk again because of the bad weather. Thankfully Doreen, my 92 yr old neighbour, has loads of it piled up at her front door.
what if she has a boyfriend.. Soccer has a goaly too ;)
it sad that I'm more excited for jersey shore tonight, then I was when the ball was dropping on new years eve???
knows the world cannot end in 2012, because my GNC protein bars expire in 02/2013
i went up 2 my smartest friend and asked what does idk, g2g, and ttyl mean? and he said I dont know, got 2 go, and talk to you later. so I said fine! bye!
The Best part of tonight is no alarm clock tomorrow
it seems like alot of people get great comments when they change there relationship status to "Single" so I'm gonna be in a temporary relationship just to let you all know I'm still single?
If Pokemon is making a comeback... I want to bring back Pogs!
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'
I don't know who example555@hotmail.com is but I wish he would stop using my MSN Messenger.
A mother my have a thousand daughters but a daughter has only one mother
It was all so different before everything changed.
"never pass up a bathroom, never waste a hard on and never, ever trust a fart." Jack Nicholson
If I didn't use the bus,i would never have a man opening a door for me.
making a list of why you suck 