Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've signed up to be a ghostwriter when I die

   Tigers knee seem okay today only because he's leading.

   Sorry, I can't hangout. My uncle's cousin's sister in law's best friend's insurance agent's roommate's fish drowned...It was tragic.

   Went horseback riding today..Wind blowing my hair, it was a pretty good ride!! Until I ran out of quarters n the Walmart greeter kicked me out

   If werewolves lived on the moon, would they be werewolves 24/7

   OK, it's been three days since I drank those 5 cups of vinegar and ate those dye tables, and I have yet to lay a beautifully colored egg. What gives?

   gas costs more than milk, I found out today that my car is lactose intolerant.

   Congress to release new economic recovery plan: Vegas, Baby!!!

   Wait, I'm still looking for a duck to give ('-' ) (._. ) ( ._. ) ( '-' ) ( ._.) ( '-') ... Damn, looks like I can't find it ¯\(ツ)/¯

   You should never care what other people think of you. Unless you're a dude who wears sandals.

   Zumba will fade away just like Jazzercise and all the others.

   Nerd Wedding: Instead of saying "I do" They say "I accept the terms & conditions"

   straddling the bowling ball return, pretending I'm laying eggs

   Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust, Life is short, so PARTY we must

   just opened my chinese take out box and a cat jumped out, I guess the airholes should've tipped me off.

   You are so ugly...as a kid, pedophiles used to give you candy to get out of the van.

   Chasing the American Dream does not count as excercise

   Just trying to see who reads my post. Describe me using only your Facebook password....

   The love of money is a root of all KINDS of evil (1 Timothy 6:10)

   A man's weakness is women and a woman weakness is money.