Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Babies are ridiculous. Somebody brought one to my grandpa's funeral and it wouldn't stop crying. But it didn't even know him for that long.

   Wearing a T-Shirt with "Let's talk about God" on it always guarantees me a seat to myself on the train.

   Why do midgets laugh when they run? The grass tickles their balls.

   Alcoholism is a disease. That's why I feel entitled to use the handicap parking spaces when I'm drunk.

   There will never be true equality until men have to wear jockey shorts with underwires that lift and separate.

   why are we so mean to Mexico they give us drugs?

   Prius = douchebags gone wild

   Can I still call it mimosa if its in a flask?

   Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat

   I am scared... Someday I might just catch flames automatically... Being so hot an all... ;)

   I swear girls can be so ungrateful sometimes, I made her breakfast in bed, and instead of saying "Thank you", she's all like... "How the hell did you get into my house?!?!"

   We live in a dark age. An age where it's not okay to commit murder but it's okay for fat girls to wear leggings.

   I have a stable job but women leave right after I tell them how hard it is dealing with horses

   the more guys I meet, the more I love my dog :)

   “HeY dUdE wHaTs uP?!” Dude, is your caps lock having a seizure?

   It doesn't matter where you go or what you do, if you don't check in on Facebook with your iPhone you were never really there.

   If you wake up with zits all over your face... you may be suffering from sleep acnea.

   I find it odd when you are at the store and the teller hands you the receipt and says " there you are" and I respond " yes I have been here all along.. it was me that put the stuff on the counter.."

   just asked if I wanted to contribute money to help ease the political unrest in Egypt.... For some reason I just can't get passed my initial worry that this could turn out to be a Pyramid Scheme

   she txtd me "im outside" so I txtd her back "Im inside looking at my phone saying that didnt sound like the doorbell" lol