Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you think Mike Pence referring to his wife as mother is disturbing, just wait until you hear what Trump calls Ivanka behind closed doors.

   My brother came out of the closet yesterday. He's not gay. He has Alzheimer's and thought it was the car.

   Doctor - "how is your headache" Patient - "She is fine."

   When I first met my wife she told me she was bi. I didn't realize until much later she meant polar.

   I'm trying to see things from your point of view But I can't stick my head that far up my Ass

   Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

   the more guys I meet, the more I love my dog :)

   just asked if I wanted to contribute money to help ease the political unrest in Egypt.... For some reason I just can't get passed my initial worry that this could turn out to be a Pyramid Scheme

   she txtd me "im outside" so I txtd her back "Im inside looking at my phone saying that didnt sound like the doorbell" lol

   Made it through Irene's rain band. They could use a new lead singer and a drummer.

   Okay, Brand, Michael Jackson didn't come over to my house to use the bathroom. But his sister did!

   am I the only human being that hates that fake fruit on cereal?

   Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills. :(

   I didn't quite understand the intervention I just had. What's the point of telling me I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place

   “HeY dUdE wHaTs uP?!” Dude, is your caps lock having a seizure?

   It doesn't matter where you go or what you do, if you don't check in on Facebook with your iPhone you were never really there.

   If you wake up with zits all over your face... you may be suffering from sleep acnea.

   I find it odd when you are at the store and the teller hands you the receipt and says " there you are" and I respond " yes I have been here all along.. it was me that put the stuff on the counter.."

   I have a stable job but women leave right after I tell them how hard it is dealing with horses

   When a fat person writes, "LMFAO"... I see "Laughing My FAT Ass Off"