Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Idea to help fight the obesity epidemic in America: Force Walmart to keep their parking spaces at least 200 yards from their entrances.

   I wish ovens had a pizza button just like the microwave has a popcorn button

   Time to watch me some Men in Tights. Yay Superbowl!

   it's probably too late for booze in my coffee so I'm just going with booze...

   I wish I could illegally download clothes from the internet.

   I would be the worst 911 Operator! ''Excuse me ma'am, I think you mean 'The Robber is over there!' Not over their or over they're!!''

   Have you heard about the upcoming vegetarian Zombie apocalypse? They only eat grains....

   Romance works because ladies love dumb stuff and they are easily swayed by meaningless gestures. That's why all dudes have the same technique. It's called lying.

   Today i'll fix the mistakes I made yesterday and tomorrow i'll fix the mistakes I made today

   My favourite girls are like the titanic. They go down on the first date and you never get to see them again.

   With summer comes in tents sex.

   I'm white, but not "know where my father is" white.

   posting "I love you!!!" today on Facebook is the equivalent to shouting it from the top of a mountain back in the day.

   My wife and my girlfriend both said on their status that they are going to go live in Brazil for a few months. Is there something I should know about???????

   I wanna be cool like on TV and walk into a party with a " Taco Bell " 12 Taco Party Pack

   Todays forcast is sarcastic with a 60% chance of STFU!! Now to Bob with sports....

   Ignores phone call* -Text them- “You called me?”

   i don't wanna be a player no more, No pun intended.. .

   If your camp counselor ever used the phrase "Whatever happens at camp, stays at camp", you we're probably molested.

   someone asked me to be a god parent...i think I would be more like a OMG parent