Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was a kid we were so poor. We couldn't afford Easter eggs so my mom would hide her ben-wa balls in the yard instead. And if we didn't find them all she would be really mad.

   Im single by choice. Not 100% my choice, but still a choice!

   I got a verbal restraining order from the Costco sample lady. Apparently I can't be within 50 ft of a sample cart anymore.

   I like long walks on hot coals and picnics in the ghetto because I'm a thrill seeker.

   Just like NOKIA, iphone 5 feutures are the same as previous versions.

   that show "Intervention" should just be called "Haters"

   You have a face that makes me want to learn karate.

   Me: Tell me about yourself. Her: Well, I love to laugh! Me: Wow, how unique! Next…

   "Hay there." - Sarah Jessica Parker probably

   Apparently my back just started puberty. So I got that going on.

   Quick! Marry me, I'll explain later.

   My wife texted me this morning at work asking me to 'Do her tonight.' I'm not looking forward to it though as I'm bloody useless at impressions.....

   BREAKING NEWS: Over 30 people feared soothed in Yankee Candle fire.

   Got divorced 5 years ago and just found a box of baking soda in the fridge. It's still good, right??

   My ideal job is probably just singing the "Not this time" part in that En Vogue song "My Lovin' (You're Never Gonna Get It)".

   Don't know what I did but kids have been coming to my house and giving me bags full of candy all night!!!

   I sure wish they'd invent an app that keeps birds from crapping on my car! :/

   I hate the moon mainly because it's something I have to share with Nicki Minaj.

   I DON'T NEED ANYONE OR ANYTHING!!! (Except for Vincenza...the name I've given this meatball sub.)

   just when I think humanity is improving, I turn on the TV yesterday and see the tragic 5 hour energy commercial...