Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just like NOKIA, iphone 5 feutures are the same as previous versions.

   that show "Intervention" should just be called "Haters"

   You have a face that makes me want to learn karate.

   Me: Tell me about yourself. Her: Well, I love to laugh! Me: Wow, how unique! Next…

   "Hay there." - Sarah Jessica Parker probably

   Apparently my back just started puberty. So I got that going on.

   Quick! Marry me, I'll explain later.

   My wife texted me this morning at work asking me to 'Do her tonight.' I'm not looking forward to it though as I'm bloody useless at impressions.....

   BREAKING NEWS: Over 30 people feared soothed in Yankee Candle fire.

   Got divorced 5 years ago and just found a box of baking soda in the fridge. It's still good, right??

   My ideal job is probably just singing the "Not this time" part in that En Vogue song "My Lovin' (You're Never Gonna Get It)".

   Don't know what I did but kids have been coming to my house and giving me bags full of candy all night!!!

   I sure wish they'd invent an app that keeps birds from crapping on my car! :/

   I hate the moon mainly because it's something I have to share with Nicki Minaj.

   I DON'T NEED ANYONE OR ANYTHING!!! (Except for Vincenza...the name I've given this meatball sub.)

   just when I think humanity is improving, I turn on the TV yesterday and see the tragic 5 hour energy commercial...

   I just "Al Rokered" myself...........................

   joy, now we get to spend the next 2 weeks hearing about the Harbaugh brothers...

   Idea to help fight the obesity epidemic in America: Force Walmart to keep their parking spaces at least 200 yards from their entrances.

   I wish ovens had a pizza button just like the microwave has a popcorn button