Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This electronic cigarette claims to contain no smoke, only water vapor. So apparently the best way to quick smoking is to slowing drown yourself.

   Hugo Chavez...Say hello to..Adolph Hitler/Vlad III the Impaler/Joseph Stalin/Benito Mussolini/Ivan the Terrible and your friend the.Great Antichrist...The enemy of righteousness the.prince of darkness, pleased to meet you, hope you guessed my name!

   I love Pope John Paul, George and Ringo.

   It's all sh*ts n' giggles, until somebody giggles and sh*ts! :-O

   Whenever anyone mentions something about a vicious cycle, I imagine an evil bike that can't stop killing.

   My daughter is bragging about the blood puddle she left in the grass at rugby. How's your Bieber-haired, skinny jeaned son doing?

   There are females getting ignored RIGHT NOW because football is back. Y'all will get the sidechick treatment all season. Keep ya head up tho

   Idiots are God's leftovers.

   Feeling Ugly...go hang out in Wal-Mart for a few hours.

   I'm eating a McGriddle in the McDonalds ball pit telling kids facts about Benghazi. the manager is spraying me with a hose but I won't leave.

   I think I will stick to my old fashioned pepper shaker... This new pepper spray tastes terrible on my potatoes...

   I wish I would have never got that loan from western sky the Indian Loan company.! Aside from high interest I'm on some goofy mailing List I keep getting things for " new siding for your Teepee " or "feather's R Us" worst is the arrows when I miss a pymnt

   The Twinkee may be reborn, Mexican company El Grupo Bimbo may be the new owner and manufacturer. Will this mean the vanilla cream filling will be replaced with Guacamole or Salsa ?

   i'm not here, I've gone out to look for myself. If I come back before I return, please tell me to wait.

   The only time a man should dance is when another man is shooting at his feet.

   Somebody stop the INTERNET, I want to get off!

   Welcome to laser noises club. Please take a pew, pew....pew!

   Not to brag, but I'm totally going to be the first one shot in any kind of hostage situation.

   Conspiracy Theory #237 - The Easter bunny and the tooth fairy are secretly working together.

   I will accept drink a case of beer challenge. . .