Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Recipe for disaster: When your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad..."

   Keep your head up and smile in the face of your enemies cause they hate to see you shine....and they'll do anything to see you rust.

   I go to the gym to play my favorite game called "I spy a sexy cameltoe" its so fu#king sexy.

   Rose are red, Violets are blue, Babe you're single, Cause I am dumping you.

   okay so I'm confused..whats came out today? justin beiber or his alblum?

   Hey I just met you and You're kinda Crazy  So lose my number  Don't call me lady

   Your ex will leave you, talk bad about you, act like they never knew you, miss you, hit you up and wonder why you don't reply... F*CK YOU

   Just spilled a drop of my 5 hour energy shot. I'm guessing that means 4 hours, 22 minutes, and 7 seconds. Party on!

   Stop looking at your phone, he hasn't texted or called. But that's okay because he doesn't deserve a girl like you anyways.

   A beautiful woman is a beautiful woman...but a beautiful woman with a brain is a lethal combo.

   So many 2 x 4's ... So few studs...

   Wow! Bethenny Frankel just announced she's getting a divorce! Wait, who the eff is she again???

   choosing someone on a dating website is like deciding which STD you want...

   Awkward is when you're dancing with a girl and she bends over so you can grind it, then realize she dropped an earring and no one in the Starbucks can hear your iPod but you...

   This electronic cigarette claims to contain no smoke, only water vapor. So apparently the best way to quick smoking is to slowing drown yourself.

   Hugo Chavez...Say hello to..Adolph Hitler/Vlad III the Impaler/Joseph Stalin/Benito Mussolini/Ivan the Terrible and your friend the.Great Antichrist...The enemy of righteousness the.prince of darkness, pleased to meet you, hope you guessed my name!

   I love Pope John Paul, George and Ringo.

   It's all sh*ts n' giggles, until somebody giggles and sh*ts! :-O

   Whenever anyone mentions something about a vicious cycle, I imagine an evil bike that can't stop killing.

   My daughter is bragging about the blood puddle she left in the grass at rugby. How's your Bieber-haired, skinny jeaned son doing?