Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look. That one is shaped like an idiot

   When a woman asks you to guess her age, it's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb

   ‎3 Guys in Colorado died protecting their girlfriends. I dont want to hear any girls saying that ALL GUYS ARE THE SAME.

   Ladies: if a man said he'll fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it

   my neighbors put their Christmas decorations up early, so I put my Easter stuff out just to one-up them.

   Someday, someone will walk into your life and make you realise why it never worked out with anyone else.

   Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.

   You know those little screens at the gas pumps? They should start showing porn, so I can watch someone else getting screwed at the pump.

   You are now aware that you can't say Irish wristwatch.

   It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol....

   thinking if you give a person a fish you feed them for a day, teach a person to use facebook and they won't bother you for weeks.

   I like Facebook because I can say whatever I want about anyone as long as it's carefully worded so you can't tell that I'm talking about you, Sarah.

   A new device can turn thoughts into speech. Wait, don't we already have that? It's called alcohol.

   I went to Lowe's with a bucket of Legos and asked the manager if we could build something together. She threw me out.

   If someone describes something as "better than sex", I know their either lying or extremely sheltered

   while I drink my coffee, I oftentimes stare out the window and ask myself: Am I attractive enough to prostitute?

   If one door closes and another one opens, seek help your house is haunted.

   I pointed to two old farts sitting across the bar and told my friend "That's us in 10 years". He said "Dude, that's a mirror"

   I'm so poor I rub cologne from magazines on my shirt .. And when they say "Oh you smell good, what is that?" I say "Page 5"

   I have a theory that the world will end in 5105, and we've been reading the Mayan calendar upside down