Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just got into an argument with a voice automated response system on the phone…It hung up on me when I said ‘I used to finger your grandmother'….

   S.I.N.G.L.E = Stay Intoxicated Nightly Get Laid Everyday

   If you bite the inside of your mouth by accident, you should be allowed to fire a shotgun at an old bus till you feel better.

   You are stronger than you think you are. Keep pushing forward, never give up on your dreams, and don't let anyone stop you

   ❒ In A Relationship ❒ Single ❒ Messing Around ❒ Getting Cheated On ❒ F**k Relationships ✔I'm Just Hungry!

   I don't speak Italian, but Pinot Grigio means "slut fuel," right?

   Obama should pull an Ollie the Weatherman tonight... And now, the President of the United States.... "WE'RE BROKE!!!" --Cut to commercial--

   Shooting up heroin with Justin Bieber and Making a sex tape with Miley Cyrus..

   monday is a perfect day for my taxes to go up. Thanks Nancy!

   FYI...the NRA has NEVER killed anyone, BUT....Plamned Parebthood has! Millions.

   Only cheaters vote for Hillary

   There's a new drinking game at my house. Every time the Democrats call Republicans "extremists" or "radicals" we have to do a shot!!!

   I asked my wife what she wants for Christmas. She said, "Oh, nothing special." So I'm giving her a framed picture of her t!ts.

   I put the "semen" in "amusement park". And that is why I am no longer welcome at Six Flags.

   I Just want to point out the NRA's plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.

   lesbians are boycotting chick fil a by eating tacos!!

   I'm not gay but twenty dollars is twenty dollars....

   I think I am going to print the constitution on a bunch of rolls of toilet paper and send it to the president and his cronies, that way they can truly wipe thier a$$ with it.

   "Courageous Patriots have fought and died for our great American Flag --- we MUST honor and respect it! MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!" - Says a serial draft dodger.

   The only Blue Wave anyone is going to see this year is the one that hit the Carolina coast a few weeks ago.