Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   hmmmm...... Thats weird, I dont remember eating corn last night?

   In my most recent survey,,, four out of five women talked crap about the fifth one whenever she was out of earshot.

   I LOVE putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They're so warm and cozy! I HATE when the lady in the laundromat tries to take them back! :(

   My wife is recovering in the hospital after someone mistook her for a wild boar and shot her. Easy mistake as she was eating an apple at the time.

   If you wear Hollister past seventh grade I'm just gonna assume you enjoy the taste of another man's schlong.

   I'm sorry I ran over your dog but in my defense I was texting! You're being awfully judgemental for a blind man

   God made you and me, then he whispered, "Meant to be''

   • the distance between any problem and the solution = the distance between your knees and the floor

   The end of every episode of "Man vs. Food" turns into "Man vs. Toilet."

   Just got into an argument with a voice automated response system on the phone…It hung up on me when I said ‘I used to finger your grandmother'….

   S.I.N.G.L.E = Stay Intoxicated Nightly Get Laid Everyday

   If you bite the inside of your mouth by accident, you should be allowed to fire a shotgun at an old bus till you feel better.

   You are stronger than you think you are. Keep pushing forward, never give up on your dreams, and don't let anyone stop you

   ❒ In A Relationship ❒ Single ❒ Messing Around ❒ Getting Cheated On ❒ F**k Relationships ✔I'm Just Hungry!

   I don't speak Italian, but Pinot Grigio means "slut fuel," right?

   Obama should pull an Ollie the Weatherman tonight... And now, the President of the United States.... "WE'RE BROKE!!!" --Cut to commercial--

   Shooting up heroin with Justin Bieber and Making a sex tape with Miley Cyrus..

   monday is a perfect day for my taxes to go up. Thanks Nancy!

   FYI...the NRA has NEVER killed anyone, BUT....Plamned Parebthood has! Millions.

   Only cheaters vote for Hillary