Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today is National Stalking Awareness Day. Feels like it should be posted on Facebook.

   I alternate between cautious optimism and reckless pessimism.

   Haters will broadcast your failure, but whisper your success.

   They say the world is going to end this year. C'mon now, these fools can barely predict the weather.

   everyone knows that 1 person who never laughs...i'm drawn to them like a moth to a flame, jus to make their lives a living hell

   The fact that you don't find me amazing doesn't bother me at all, it just confirms what I have suspected all along; that you have bad taste.

   Ladies: Don't be mad he can't take a hint; be mad that you are dating an idiot.

   One thing that all us white guys from the suburbs can agree on is if a black guy has a British accent, we're 85% less scared of him

   No matter how bad your day seems, just remember that someone out there has to clean the bathroom at Taco Bell.

   Show me on the doll where gas prices touched you.

   a drunk was hauled into court.”Mister,” the judge began, you've been brought here for drinking.” “Great,” the drunk exclaimed. “When do we get started?”

   RIP to the millions of people who die every day and don't get recognized

   Win every argument simply by repeating your opponent's last sentence in a whiny voice.

   My wife said to me, "I'm fed up with you being so lazy, pack your bags and leave." I said, "You pack them."

   Aside from Confirm & ignore, friend requests should have a "WHO ARE YOU" button

   Little brothers XBOX broke. Go to new one. Worthless Walmart employee was too lazy to find one. Tells me they are all out. So I stand in front of her and buy it online with in store pickup so she has to find it. BAM

   The problem with today's children is that today's parents are idiots

   Due to the rising cost of ammunition I will no longer be able to provide a warning shot. Thanks for your understanding.

   Really Cosmo? 50 tips on how to make your guy h0rny? What the f^ck are the 49 things after "touch his p*nis

   If a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.