Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or "size" with "rear end." Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.

   Happy Cinco de Mayonnaise!

   Condoms are like going to a music concert with cotton buds in your ears.

   You'd be amazed how often I'm wrong when people say, "Guess what?"

   "I'm in!" - Flynn

   SO homosexuailty is UNNATURAL , like cutting your grass ? like 90% of the food we eat ??Air conditioning ?? Live your own life ..leave everyone else alone !!!

   What do Atheists and Vegans have in common? They never shut up about their lifestyle.

   decided to burn some calories this weekend so I set a fat kid on fire.

   engineering the electricals.

   Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime; give a man religion and he will die praying for a fish

   noticed a friends facebook status said that he's suicidal and thinking about jumping off a bridge. So I poked him

   On "It starts tomorrow diet."

   Q: How do you know your house was robbed by a black guy? A: When your house is robbed

   Men are problem solvers, women are problem creators...

   Barack Obama, Merkel, Hollande...We have become a world full of pu$$ies

   I named my d!ck "Hopes" because I like to keep my hopes up.

   I can't eat Doritos anymore. That finger licking commercial was disgusting! Why is it still being aired?

   I often put laxatives in my dishwasher to help relax my bowls.

   Thank God I'm single..I don't have to pretend I give a damn about sports, cars, teenage girls in bikinis or his feelings.

   my sleep number is 80 proof